New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
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