she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
it's the international house of making me almost fucking shit myself
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
