So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i used baking grease as lip gloss
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
