Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Randomize
