I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
Woke up with eyeliner streaked down my face, glitter all over my bed, and holding half-eaten Jimmy Johns. Plus, my whole family's downstairs for Thanksgiving... Welcome to the shitshow that is my early 20s
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Randomize
