he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Randomize
