I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
Randomize
