why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
