Partly cloudy chance of praying to the porcelin gods
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
