I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
