a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
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