This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
sorry for making everyone realize you look like bruce jenner
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Getting a lap dance from a girl you went to high school with really isn't as awkward as you'd think
And she called me out by name, nothing could have made it more awkward but it ended up not being that bad
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
