Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.
He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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