why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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