then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Moonshine marathon is never a good idea
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
