WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
