you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
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