have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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