you guys were way drunker than both of me
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
Our fuck buddy relationship took a turn for the worst after we were drunk and I punched him in the face when he asked for a three some with my best friend.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Randomize
