I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
