Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
