Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
