I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
So after your 27th or so beer, you gave me songs you want to have used if you're ever on intervention.
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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