If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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