dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
How do you tell someone who's buying a pregnancy test to have a nice day .... Like how
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
Randomize
