WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Baked and hanging out with Al from Home Improvement's son. You can't make this shit up. Tuh-rippin balls
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
After much deliberatipn and vodka, my favourite phrase of Christmas 2012 is "penis of last resort"
I don't know if I want context or not...
Context involves faux incest and champagne. Id go into detail but im on shot number 5.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
