good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
I mean. I'm excited for the Seahawks too. I just love nachos.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Randomize
