Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
The best revenge is premature balding
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Based on my body hair location, my ancestors had very cold hamstrings and very warm chests
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
Let's get the cat blown out
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
