In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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