low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
you should have seen it. it was just a bunch of guys in togas chanting the username and password to a brazzers account we all share. best thing that has happened to our group
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
His grandma held his dogs so they wouldn't follow me out the door. It was like a whole new level added to my walk of shame.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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