Will you blow on my dice?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
we got sick of 7 11 doubles so we made up a game where you just drink when anyone rolls a 5
thats barely a game just flip a coin
should we drink on heads or tails?
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
