I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Randomize
