My sheets look like a crime scene.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
all im saying is 27 is too old to still be drinking 40s, you make more money than me, buy some decent shit
screw you you golddigging beer snob
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
Randomize
