We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
