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• (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

  (617): View more from Massachusetts

  but fathers day is next sunday

  (781): View more from Massachusetts

  i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

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• (864): View more from South Carolina

  i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking

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• (302): View more from Delaware

  I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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• (517): View more from Michigan

  I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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• (519): View more from Ontario

  Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.

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• (650): View more from California

  You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?

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• (312): View more from Illinois

  My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night

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• (614): View more from Ohio

  Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well

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• (530): View more from California

  All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.

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• (631): View more from New York

  It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face

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• (+44): View more from United Kingdom

  That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.

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• (330): View more from Ohio

  I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.

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• (952): View more from Minnesota

  Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.

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