walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
