a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
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