I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
Best sex of my life. But I think it's because I like his apartment. Really nice bed sheets. High vaulted ceilings. I wanted to lay there forever.
You're getting old. Was it located in a nice school district for your future offspring?
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
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