i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"