the vacuum is drunk
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
Get your clothes on you are our DD for the night. The usual three way payment
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.