Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
21 Horribly Evil Pranks To Play On Your Drunk Friends
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
29 Times Beach Sex Ended With Sand In All The Wrong Places
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit