Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
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just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
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My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.