Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
