I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
the straight edge chick smoked with me, because according to her my bowl is pretty
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
