I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
It's meant to be, Cynthia. You, him, and your developed breasts are meant for each other.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
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