All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
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