So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Dude, we have the same penis size. Best friends for life.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
