is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
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