My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
