she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
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