I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I just spent $27 on things to pee on.
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
