No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
the police report says i screamed sanctuary from a jungle gym at the playground when they caught up with us, obviously they disregarded international law.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
My feet surprised me
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
