you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you didnt know i had herpes?
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Pretty sure we had a civil war reenactment in your kitchen at 4am.
That would explain the cannon.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
