I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
Well I can't be held accountable to know every which time you slid a finger here or slid a finger there. I'm way too busy getting close to climaxing to document these things.
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
