The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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