I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
look mate, i'm pretty sure 14 texts saying "fuck me. fuck me now" more than passes the legal benchmark for consent.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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