It's just you. You wear the fuck me fedora and wear baller shorts, hollywood hippie who thinks she is shakira when she's drunk.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
pedialite and red bull = repair kit
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He shit in the fireplace
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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