I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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