and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
We have to use a contraceptive. God help the world if another one of us comes into fruition.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
